Children labeled defiant, aggressive, or difficult are often responding to something adults cannot see. According to a 2025 clinical report from the American Academy of Pediatrics, an estimated 13% to 20% of U.S. children have a mental, emotional, or behavioral disorder, while an additional 19% experience problems causing significant distress or impairment without meeting the criteria for a specific diagnosis. This suggests that many children struggling with emotional or behavioral difficulties may not have a formal diagnosis. Yet the focus is often on correcting the behavior itself, rather than understanding what may be driving it.
Many parents are taught to respond to difficult behavior with consequences, compliance, and correction. However, research increasingly suggests that harsh discipline can have unintended consequences for a child’s development. A 2025 systematic review and meta-analysis published in Nature Human Behaviour, examining 189 studies across 92 countries, found that physical punishment was associated with poorer mental health, impaired social-emotional development, and increased behavioral problems. These findings raise an important question: When a child is already struggling to regulate their emotions, could responding with more punishment actually compound the problem?
Much of a child’s reaction may be physiological, not willful. The brain’s alarm system, centered in the amygdala, constantly scans for physical and emotional safety, and responds automatically, much like breathing. For a young child, being noticed by a parent can feel essential to safety. That could explain why some children seek attention in any form they can get, positive or negative.
The prefrontal cortex, which supports logic, reasoning, and planning, continues developing into the early twenties and may develop later in children who have experienced trauma or who are neurodivergent. When the stress response takes over, reasoning becomes difficult. In that moment, lectures, instructions, or threats may simply not register. That’s why calming a child might need to come before correcting them.
Tina Feigal, a behavior-parent coach with over 25 years of experience and founder of Tina Feigal Coaching, helps parents put that understanding into practice. Her approach starts with emotional safety, through reflective listening that names what the child is feeling in a calm, understanding voice. “If a child is emotionally safe, they don’t need to act out to feel seen,” Feigal says.
Feigal notes that many parents unintentionally reward the behavior they want to stop by giving it most of their attention. She coaches parents to give far more attention to the behavior they want to see, and less to the behavior they don’t. Physical safety still comes first, so if a child is hurting someone, a parent should step in calmly, with a hug rather than a yank. “Parents can grow good behavior instead of trying to stop bad behavior,” she adds.
Feigal also teaches what she calls heartfelt appreciation, a specific technique that names what the child did and how it made the parent feel. She states, “One example is saying, ‘When you stayed calm even though you were frustrated, I was really impressed, because it shows me how grown up you’re becoming.’” In her view, repeated appreciation can help children come to see themselves as kind and capable. “Children learn who they are from the adults around them,” she adds.
Feigal believes both children and parents are innocent. Children are responding to what their bodies tell them, while parents are often repeating what they experienced growing up. She offers parents the same curiosity and support she asks them to give their children, an approach she calls the parallel process. “Parents don’t need judgment, they need information,” Feigal says. “Once they understand what is happening in their child’s body, they can respond in a much more effective way.”
Feigal distinguishes authoritarian parenting, built on control and consequences, from authoritative parenting, where parents provide structure and care while involving children in decision-making. Her key word for parents is “how.” Instead of demanding that a child clean their room, a parent might ask how the room could be easier to keep organized. For her, those questions can help children build the very reasoning skills that are still developing.
Feigal encourages parents to ask what a child’s behavior is communicating, rather than how to force it to stop. According to her, effective parenting is less about control through fear and more about helping children feel safe, valued, and understood. Ultimately, she believes the most lasting way to shape a child’s behavior is also the simplest. Lead with love, and the rest will follow.
